We Must Bring Back Courting Our Friends

Mihika Barua writes that when we strip community and friendship from the dating experience, dates become strategic in the most unpleasant ways.

Last year I started hosting monthly house parties. When I saw that two friends were very good, I set them on a date. "You two should go out sometime," I said casually. "I think you'll have a lot in common."

So far there have been three dates between people who met at my house parties. Little did I know, my unsolicited courtship attempts might have a higher success rate than dating apps.

In my opinion, one of the sad side effects of the rise of dating apps has been a noticeable decline in matchmaking. What happened to putting friends on a blind date? Or even just recommending that two people you love have a chance to find love themselves?

And in our modern moment of isolation, polarization, and loneliness, it's clear to me that now is a very important time for us to restore courtship to our friends. When one of my friends called me after her date to find out more about my other friend, I was able to answer all of her concerns. This wouldn't have happened if she met a stranger on a dating app.

A friend, on the other hand, can tell you things an algorithm never could: what a person is really like, how they treat people, whether they're kind, funny, or trustworthy, and whether they're compatible with you.

Blythe Landry, a trauma and relationship therapist, says, "Friends, especially long-term friends, literally know all the nuances of us that an algorithm or app can't capture. Digital mechanisms capture real data." "Friends carry history, trauma, stories, inside jokes, the way our noses wrinkle when we laugh, and our favorite Starbucks order."

Our nearest and dearest know our crushes inside out, and perhaps most importantly, they know that we can sometimes be completely blind to our own patterns in choosing romantic partners. Most of us have the experience of a year after a breakup when a close friend says, “I knew I was never going to make it! I just didn't say anything because it was important for you to see for yourself."

Friends also know our limitations and what we can and cannot bring to a partner. They are more likely to treat us honestly than an app that matches us with someone in their area. I once had to tell a friend that someone she met at my house party and dated might not be financially compatible. Finally, he agreed.

Too often, we underestimate the value of this type of social knowledge. I remember getting mad at my friend when she casually told me she had three brothers. I'm not saying I wanted to hook up with any of the brothers, but surely those brothers have great friend groups and he could have set me up with someone? My friend himself has been in a relationship for the past few years and had no idea that I preferred his help to the many dating app options at my disposal. "Why would you want to meet one of my stupid brother's friends when you have the whole world in your hands?" He asked me innocently

When we wipe Landry says friendship and community from the dating experience become strategic in the most awkward of ways. "Since we're now in a time where everything we do is online, there are so many ways to 'not engage' with someone online, even if they're offline, they can be our best bet."

Landry's best friend died of cancer in 2021, but years before her death, he had the pleasure of introducing her to the absolute love of his life. "It was my only launch, and it was literally like being a professional matchmaker for a moment." Both her friends were single for a decade. One day I was having coffee with my friend and he ordered his tea exactly as my other friend ordered his tea. At that moment, time stopped and “You really should meet my friend” came out of his mouth. Both protested. Both told Landry they had nothing in common and had no interest in the other. Just a few weeks later they were living together.

"While I will always miss my friend, I will forever be so happy that he has found true love with someone," she says. And so, no app could have captured that 'match' moment like a best friend."

There's something reassuring about being set up by someone who knows both of them. It also changes the stakes of dating: You're not meeting a complete stranger outside of your social world, but someone you already have a connection with.

Maybe that's why we should bring back house parties, hosting casual dinners and planned drinks with friends. But regardless of the form, that's why we need to return the favor. When dating is mediated by apps, we have fewer opportunities to meet friends of friends organically. House parties provide a low-pressure social environment where these connections can occur without anyone announcing they're "looking for love."

Obviously, my three successful matches are not scientific proof that dinner parties can replace dating apps. But they've made me wonder if we've outsourced too much of our love lives to technology, and if our friends, who already know us better than any algorithm, should play a bigger role in helping us find someone.

The return of dating among friends can provide an antidote to the impersonal nature of app dating. I believe that the energy you put out there is the energy you get, so hopefully while I'm playing cupid to my friends, they'll decide to set me up with the right person at some point in the future.