How to prevent relationship bankruptcy?

A psychologist warned that spending emotional energy on strangers leads to emotional bankruptcy at home and turning the family space into a shared dormitory, which requires the use of step-by-step and scientific solutions to overcome this chronic silence and repair damaged bonds.

Referring to the role of virtual space in filling the void of domestic conversations, Fereshte Kolani said: virtual space creates a phenomenon called "online demarketization effect" (removal of barriers and behavioral controls). When your identity, name and picture are not known to people, the fear of being left, blamed, humiliated, threatened or embarrassed disappears. People in the virtual space or in anonymous groups express that part of their personality that is left behind in the family, such as their beliefs, personal tendencies or mistakes, without fear of punishment, so when a person does not have an ear at home, he uses the virtual space or strangers as a "temporary shelter".

He added: When a person in a Telegram or Instagram group or in a foreign environment feels that others understand him without asking, this makes the real family environment colder and more insecure for him. Someone who is not allowed to ask questions about their interests at home can spend hours discussing in anonymous chats, because this space for them is associated with less stress and a false sense of intimacy.

Regarding the psychological border between "temporary emotional discharge" with a stranger and "denial and escape from solving the problem" in the family, he said: "Here, we have spent all our emotional load outside the house, and at home we have become a creature that only runs away from any serious conversation." This is a defense mechanism called "denial, avoidance and escape from the problem". If we don't manage this crisis escape at home, we will suffer like snowflakes that are gentle at first but build up into a dangerous avalanche.

This psychologist continued: If a person has only a short heartbreak with a colleague or a close friend after work pressure, it is not a problem, but if this replaces communication with spouse and family, the relationship will be seriously damaged. We have to learn to reduce some of the pressure outside, but the important part is to raise it with the closest people, such as spouse, father, mother or sibling, this is the "healthy emotional release".

In the third axis, this psychologist discussed the consequences and restoration of the emotional space and said: When people spend all their feelings and words outside the house and with strangers, they suffer serious injuries. There is a concept called "emotional bank account"; Every short conversation, small intimacy or loving look is like depositing money in this account and is considered an "emotional investment".

Kolani added: "With this small reserve, we need it in the future to repair the relationship and resolve differences, but when people spend all their energy and words outside and come home and remain silent, they are "bankrupting their emotional bank account." This behavior sends the message to the spouse that "you don't deserve to hear my feelings", this process dries up the intimacy, love and sense of belonging between the couple and the family and turns the house into a "shared dormitory". The golden rule is that people should learn to talk about their feelings and everyday problems with their spouse and family without fear or worry.

About the border between privacy and concealment in family conversations, he said: Many people hide their big betrayals or concealments behind the fancy word privacy and say that my phone is my privacy. These people do not know the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy means having a space to think, be alone, and manage normal relationships with clarification so as not to harm family obligations and security, but secrecy means intentionally hiding information or decisions that, if the other party finds out about them, will feel insecure, distrustful, and betrayed. For example, having a password for your phone is part of privacy, but if this tool is used to hide relationships that, if revealed, would destroy the foundation of a shared life, then this is no longer privacy, but a dangerous concealment that destroys security and trust in the relationship.

temporary ceasefire; The first step to rebuild the destroyed relationship

Emphasizing that families who have been chronically silent for years should start rebuilding trust, Kolani said: Families who have been chronically silent and cold for years and have become housemates cannot solve this wall of distrust overnight with a gift or a small task. Solving this problem requires a scientific and specialized approach. Just as in long wars between countries, lasting peace cannot be achieved overnight, and a temporary truce is established first to check the terms of negotiations, in damaged emotional relationships, the first step is "truce". At this stage, verbal firing such as taunting, throwing pieces, winking, insulting, humiliating and blaming should be completely stopped.

Explaining the next steps of rebuilding the relationship, this psychologist stated: In the second step, "building bridges", couples use simple tasks such as offering a glass of tea or helping with housework without any excuses to start rebuilding the destroyed bridges of the relationship. In the third step, "conversations" begin in a neutral and tension-free framework. At this stage, you should not talk about old hurts because the risk of a fight is high, but talk about harmless topics such as the news, a movie, a sports match or the weather.

He continued: In the fourth step, "small thanks", the positive behavior of the other party can be seen with a simple thank you, for example, "Thank you for bringing me tea" to minimize tensions. In the last step, "gently getting into feelings", due to high sensitivity and the possibility of returning to coldness, it is better to seek help from a specialist such as a couple therapist or family therapist to slowly open the old knots.

This psychologist pointed out: Be careful of breaking relationships; Relationships usually don't fall apart overnight, but they crack slowly. An ignored annoyance, an unmade apology, a small inattention, an insult, a concealment or a simple anger causes these cracks, which if not taken seriously, will definitely lead to breaking the relationship one day.