Divorce Rising in Marriages After a Decade / Why Do Couples Over 40 Need Relationship Repair, Not Renewal?

Divorce in middle age has become a silent crisis in Iran. But relationship science shows that the solution is not a fresh start; rather, it is repairing the relationship in middle age, or rebuilding the same relationship that has been neglected for years.

Statistics that should be alarming

If you think getting divorced in your 40s or 50s is an exception, the statistics say otherwise.

In 1403, 194,078 divorces were registered in Iran. The general divorce rate this year was 2.3 per 1,000 people, that is, 2.3 people divorced out of every 1,000 Iranians.

But what is most worrying is the changing pattern of divorce in Iran.

The data of the National Statistics Center from 2016 to 1403 show that divorce has decreased in the first years of marriage, but it has increased in an unprecedented way in joint lives with more than 10, 20 and even 30 years.

In the period of 10 to 15 years of marriage, the number of divorces increased from 26,915 cases in 1396 to 34,193 cases in 1403; It means an increase of 27%.

In the lives of 15 to 20 years, divorces increased from 15,919 cases to 27,438 cases. And in lives of more than 25 years, the number of divorces has increased from 9,612 cases in 2016 to 17,894 cases in 1403; It means an increase of about 86%.

This phenomenon is called "gray divorce" in Iran as well as in the world; The separation of couples who have been married for more than 20 or 30 years and are usually in their fifth and sixth decades.

why What happens in the 5th and 6th decade of life that pushes relationships with so much shared history to the edge of the abyss?

The Window of Relationship Vulnerability: What Happens in the 40s and 50s?

The average age of divorce in Iran means that the relationship crisis occurs just when couples have entered their fourth and fifth decades of life.

Studies show that marital satisfaction reaches its lowest point in the 40s.

This is a consistent pattern across cultures. Because during this period, several factors simultaneously put pressure on the relationship — from hormonal changes and decreased energy, to redefining roles after children grow up and parents face aging.

A sociologist and family researcher says about this: "Many couples live more for their children after marriage, but when the children grow up and they leave home, an "empty nest" is formed. In this way, husband and wife suddenly realize that nothing but their children kept them together. This emotional void and lack of real communication can lead to gray divorce.

Why "renewal" is an empty promise

Popular culture, especially in movies and social media, romanticizes "starting over." But this image is far from reality.

"Renewal" means abandoning what is and building from scratch. In a relationship, renewal means breaking up or starting a new relationship with another person.

This is not always a bad thing; Sometimes it is the only way out. But if your primary motivation is to escape from painful patterns, those patterns will follow you.

Psychologists say that in subsequent relationships, we often play the same roles we played in previous relationships, unless we consciously rewrite those roles.

In her analysis of the midlife crisis, noted relationship therapist Esther Pearl says, “Infidelity is often a reaction to relationship numbness. "Sometimes the reasons are internal and personal and have little to do with the other party."

He explains that "the elements that feed love are not the same as those that feed desire."

In a committed relationship, the responsibilities, constant closeness, and caring for the other often stifle that unknown part that is necessary for lust.

Pearl's message is clear: the problem is not with the "other person"; It is in the "relationship model". And the pattern can be changed.

The science of restoration: why can a broken relationship be restored?

Daphne de Marneuf, a clinical psychologist and author of The Uneven Spot: Marriage and the Art of Cohabitation, concluded in her research that midlife is a time when "our need for personal growth can collide violently with our relationship needs."

After decades of clinical work with middle-aged couples, he has come to the conclusion that there are specific psychological, emotional, and relational capacities that must be cultivated to get through this period—not by changing the other person, but by changing interactional patterns.

Daphne de Marneuf, who has a doctorate in clinical psychology, graduated from Harvard University and the University of California at Berkeley, has worked with middle-aged couples for years and believes that the biggest predictor of divorce in middle age is not a lot of fighting; Emotional disconnection and humiliation.

Issues in midlife revolve around issues such as "how much time to spend together vs. apart," "money and retirement planning," and "relationships with adult children." The solution is not to solve these problems; Their management is by maintaining the emotional connection.

Why is "restoration" more scientific than "renewal"?

The most reliable couple therapy approaches in the world show that about 70-75% of couples over 40 years of age experience significant improvement in their relationship after 16-20 sessions of working on relationship repair under the supervision of couple therapists.

They concluded that in romantic relationships they seek "secure attachment"—the same security we craved from our parents as children.

When this safety is disturbed, instead of "fight" or "flight," we activate unhealthy defensive patterns that further wear down the relationship.

Repair means identifying these defensive patterns and replacing them with attachment-oriented responses—that is, expressing needs instead of criticism; Instead of silence, ask for communication.

Couples who consciously nurture their bond can strengthen the neural pathways associated with trust, affection, and empathy. This means that restoration is not just an emotional choice, but a neurobiological reconstruction.

Middle-aged emotional literacy: what skills should be learned?

Researchers in the field of couples therapy divide emotional literacy into two critical skills: the ability to find language for one's inner state, and understanding the other person's experience.

These two skills seem simple, but in practice, most middle-aged couples are lacking in them—not because they're careless, but because no one taught them.

Relationships don't fail because people stop caring; They fail because no one taught us how to do intimacy properly.