If We Say “No” to Our Parents, Will We Be Disowned? Where Does Islam Draw the Line Between Obedience and Independence?

Does every time we make a decision against our parents’ wishes make us deserving of being disowned? From choosing a field of study or career to marriage and migration, a single sentence can sometimes trap a child between the family’s expectations and their own right to choose: “If you don’t listen to me, I’ll disown you!” But what do the teachings of Islam say? Does respecting parents mean unquestioning obedience, or is it possible to choose a different path in life while preserving their dignity?

According to the Missionary Thought and Culture Base, "If you don't listen to me, I will kill you!"; A sentence that sometimes affects the choice of field and job, marriage, immigration or even the lifestyle of the children and ties the opposition to the parents' wishes to feelings of guilt and fear of exclusion. But from the point of view of Islam, does any opposition to parents mean becoming a parent? The teachings of the Qur'an and traditions, while emphasizing the high status of parents and the necessity of kindness to them, differentiate between respect and good behavior and unconditional obedience. A distinction that can help solve one of the most important challenges of family relationships.

goodness to parents; Does respect mean surrendering the freedom of life?

"If you don't listen to me, I will kill you!" This sentence is familiar to many children; A phrase that may be heard when choosing a field of study, job, marriage, or immigration, and is even used about clothing, commuting, and the way children are raised. The consequence of such an encounter is sometimes a deep feeling of guilt; A feeling that makes a person worry that opposing the wishes of his parents will destroy the value of his worships and religious practices.

However, the answer to the question whether saying "no" to parents means alienation is negative. Islam has not asked children to hand over the authority and responsibility of their lives completely to their parents; But on the other hand, he has emphasized on preserving their sanctity, observing politeness and avoiding harassing and humiliating them.

To understand this issue, one must distinguish between two basic concepts: benevolence to parents and obedience to them. These two concepts are related to each other, but they do not necessarily mean the same thing.

Quran; Emphasizing kindness and drawing the border of obedience

After commanding monotheism, the Holy Qur'an enjoins goodness to parents: "Wabal-wal-al-deen-e-ihsanah". In the following, especially regarding the old age of the parents, he asks the children not to utter even a word that is a sign of resentment and boredom, not to drive them away and to speak kindly to them. Also, in the next verse, humility in front of parents and supplication for them is emphasized: Lord, have mercy on them as they raised me as a child. (Isra, verses 23 and 24)

These verses clarify the special position of parents and the need to treat them appropriately; But the Qur'an has specified the limits of obedience in addition to these commands.

In verse 15 of Surah Luqman, it is stated that if parents force their child to associate with God, he should not obey them: However, the verse immediately adds: "And their companions in the world are known"; That is, associate with them appropriately in the life of the world.

This verse provides a clear example of the relationship between independence in decision-making and respect for parents. A child may not follow the wishes of his parents in an issue, but this opposition is not a license to humiliate, abuse or ignore their rights. In other words, the Quran differentiates between not accepting a request and treating parents inappropriately; In the same way, respecting parents does not necessarily mean obeying all their demands without question.

What exactly does parenting mean?

"Aqoq" literally means to cut and break, and in religious usage, it refers to behaviors that are associated with disobedient disobedience, abuse, disrespect, and breaking the moral and emotional bond with parents.

In the book "Al-Kafi", there is a narration from Imam Sadiq (a.s.) that emphasizes the sensitivity of religious teachings to the smallest signs of disrespect: "Adni al-Aqooq aufyi, wallu 'Alam Al-Allahu Shi'a Ahwana Menha Lanahi Anha"; The lowest level of aqoq is saying "oof" and if there was something lighter than that, God would have forbidden it too. (Al-Kafi, vol. 2, p. 349; the page number and recording of the phrase should be matched with the cited version.)

In the continuation of this narrative, parents are warned about looking mixed with anger and resentment; Even if they have wronged their children. This theme emphasizes the importance of preserving the dignity of parents and avoiding humiliating behaviors.

Therefore, religious teachings are very sensitive in the field of politeness and good behavior with parents. However, it should not be concluded from this emphasis that any opposition to their request is an example of aqoq. The problem becomes complicated when respect in behavior is equated with obedience in decision-making; While these two are different concepts and should be examined separately.

To what extent is it obligatory to obey parents?

Amir al-Mu'minin Ali (a.s.) says in Hikmat 165 of Nahj al-Balagha: "There is no obedience to the creation in the disobedience of the Creator"; In disobeying God, it is not permissible to obey any creature. Based on this, if the parents force the child to do the haram or leave the religious obligation, such a request is not a license to disobey God's order.

However, not all family disputes are limited to religious issues. Sometimes parents insist that their child choose a certain field, while he is interested in another field. The family may be against the child's immigration or consider another person suitable for his marriage. In such situations, the question arises, does the mere opposition of the parents deprive the child of independent decision making?

In a consultation with Grand Ayatollah Seyyed Ali Khamenei about the limits of obeying parents, this principle was raised that obeying parents is not a religious obligation by itself; However, opposing them should not be accompanied by expressions of disgust, repulsion or significant harassment. The exact wording of this answer should be matched with the official text of the petition.

On the other hand, Grand Ayatollah Sistani, in response to a question about parents' distress, differentiated between two situations: first, when their distress is caused by genuine compassion and concern for the child; Second, when the resentment of parents comes from some unpleasant traits or unjustified expectations of them.

According to this separation, if the parents suffer from compassion and worry about what the child does, even if that work is not directly related to them, the child should take this concern seriously and refrain from doing that work. On the other hand, if the parents' discomfort is caused by false expectations, for example, they oppose the child's efforts to progress in life, this mere resentment does not create a legal obligation to submit to their wishes. From this distinction, we can see that obeying all the orders and personal wishes of the parents is not obligatory by itself.

Of course, the jurisprudential details of this issue, especially in cases where the child's decision causes severe harm to the parents, may differ based on the fatwa of the taqlid authorities. Therefore, in specific issues, you should refer to the opinion of your taqlid authority.

The basic point is that parents being upset, alone, does not mean that the child's decision is haram. To evaluate each situation, the source of the discomfort, the reasonableness of the parents' concern, the consequences of the decision and the possibility of reducing their suffering should be considered.

How do you say "no" without being disrespectful?

In many family disputes, the problem is not limited to the content of the decision; Rather, the way of expressing opposition also plays a role in the formation or escalation of tension. The child may have the right to choose in his decision, but speak in a harsh or condescending tone and damage the relationship with the parents.

For example, the sentence "It's my life and it has nothing to do with you" usually increases the distance between the two parties instead of resolving the conflict. Conversely, the same position can be expressed in a respectful tone: “I know you are concerned about me and I value your experience and opinion. I have heard your words and I have taken them seriously, but I want to accept the responsibility of this choice myself."

Such an approach does not mean giving up independence; Rather, it shows that it is possible to emphasize the right to make decisions and respect the parents at the same time.

On the other hand, the adult child should provide the opportunity to hear and consider the views of the parents before making important decisions. Consultation is valuable when a person is really likely to learn something from the experience of others, rather than simply asking for their opinion to announce a decision made in advance. Parents may recognize risks and consequences that are hidden from the child's view due to excitement, lack of experience or limited information.

Of course, listening to the opinion of parents and taking advantage of their experience is different from completely handing over the right to make decisions. If the conversation doesn't work out, getting help from a trusted relative, family counselor, or someone knowledgeable about religious issues can help reduce tension. In some situations, it is also necessary to express individual boundaries clearly and maintain them calmly; No yelling, humiliation, disconnection or use of emotional pressure.

summary; Any disagreement with the parents is not a problem

In the eyes of the Quran and Islamic teachings, a child is neither exempted from the responsibility of his choices, nor is he allowed to ignore the respect of his parents under the pretext of independence. Maturity means accepting responsibility for decisions, and kindness to parents also requires that this independence is accompanied by gratitude, kindness, respect and attention to their needs.

Therefore, every saying "no" to parents cannot be considered as an example of parental love. What is important is the object of opposition, the source of the parents' concern, the consequences of the decision and the way the child behaves. At the same time, recognizing the Shari'a ruling in complex situations, especially those that are accompanied by severe abuse of parents or jurisprudential differences, will require a more detailed investigation and reference to the fatwa of the reference authority.

Maintaining independence and respect are not two opposite principles. It is possible to accept the responsibility of one's life, not to agree with some of the parents' wishes, and at the same time, avoid hurting them with respectful language and behavior. Perhaps one of the most important manifestations of religiosity is this: a person preserves his authority and responsibility, without forgetting to appreciate and love those who have worked to raise him.