Developing Children's Emotional Intelligence; An Investment in the Future

According to the translator: "What I found appealing about this book was that, when faced with a child's high-tension behavior, it does not ask 'How do we stop this behavior?' but instead takes a step back and asks: 'What is happening behind this behavior?'"

Religion and thought service of Iran's Arjan Ambassador (Ambassador Arjan) - Reza Dastjardi: "Small but noisy; What should we do with children's strong emotions? Written by Alyssa Belsk Campbell and Lauren Elizabeth Stable, translated by Shatarian, it is one of the latest releases from Beagle Publishing. The book shows how to calmly, consciously and decisively help children to recognize various unpleasant emotions such as anger, sadness, shame and anxiety and learn how to deal with them correctly. In addition to the emotional development of children, the work emphasizes the emotional experience of parents and caregivers with an intimate and at the same time realistic language and approach, and does not ignore the daily realities of family life. On the occasion of the publication of this book, Ambassador Arjan had a conversation with Negar Shatarian, the translator. The translation of "Welcome to the Uninvited", "Now We Are Countless", "A Good and Enough Life" and some other titles are also his.

Why did you choose this book for translation? Among the many parenting books, what caught your attention?

I am a mother and when this book was offered to me for translation, I was right in the middle of the challenge of how to manage the situation when my son starts to have extreme emotions. And what was interesting to me about this book was that when dealing with a child's stressful behavior, it doesn't look for, "How do we stop this behavior?", but takes a step back and asks, "What is happening behind this behavior?"

In many parenting methods, when a child is sulky, screaming, or uncooperative, the focus very quickly shifts to the behavior and how we can remove that "bad" behavior and change it to "good" behavior. But the focus of this book is on the development of the child's emotional intelligence, which is, in a sense, a kind of investment for the child's future, and it is supposed to reap its fruits for many years.

The main and different idea of the book is the concept of Collaborative Emotion Processing (CEP); This means that the adult helps the child learn this skill gradually by adjusting his own emotions.

How does the book look at difficult child behaviors such as bad temper, stubbornness and shouting? Why should these behaviors be seen as "messages" and not just "misbehavior"?

Based on this view of child behavior, behavior can be an expression of an unmet need. But the subtle point is that "unmet need" does not necessarily mean that the parent did not meet the child's needs. The child may need help, connection, security, rest, independence, or help regulating their emotions at that moment.

In "Little But Loud" we read that when a child is in a state of high arousal, he may not be able to apply information he has already learned. The example of the book is about a child who knows he shouldn't throw a block, but at that moment he doesn't have any other skill to express his need.

So the question of "How do I stop this behavior?" to "What is this behavior telling me?" it changes

What is the difference between accepting a child's emotions and accepting his behavior? How is this distinction explained in the book?

This is exactly one of the main concerns of the child's caregivers, lest by accepting the child's excitement, they mistakenly give the message to the child that his misbehavior is also accepted. But one of the most important distinctions of "small but noisy" is that accepting excitement does not mean accepting any behavior.

I can accept that the child is angry and help him to recognize and accept this emotion, while not allowing him to hit someone. For example, I can say, "I see you're very angry," and at the same time set a boundary and say, "I won't let you hurt anyone."

Even in the discussion of empathy, this book emphasizes that understanding the child's experience does not mean agreeing with his behavior or approving it.

So the main message is not "do whatever you feel, whatever you want". The message is that "feelings are acceptable, but behaviors still need boundaries."

I think this distinction is very important for parents, because sometimes they think that if they validate the child's feelings, if, for example, they give the child the right to be disappointed or angry, then they lose their authority; While the book exactly tries to put empathy and demarcation together and form a relationship based on mutual understanding and identification of our own emotions and those around us.

What is the difference between the book's approach and traditional educational methods, such as punishment, reward and neglect?

A chapter of the book deals precisely with the distinction between "punishment" and "consequence". And by the way, it was one of the most useful chapters in the relationship between me and my son. Punishment is the way we all grew up. "If you do something bad, you won't be able to watch the cartoon. Or if you do a good job today, I'll give you this chocolate too." The interesting thing here is that the author does not deal with older methods in black and white and does not put the methods into good and bad categories. It is important that I, the child's caregiver, know what results each method brings and knowing the positive and negative results of each method, I use it consciously.

Throughout this book, we emphasize our primary goal of developing emotional processing and regulation skills. Therefore, I may achieve my goal very quickly with the method of encouragement and punishment and eliminate "bad" behaviors and strengthen "good" behaviors in him, but the question is, have I been able to help my child recognize his emotions by completely focusing on changing the child's behavior? Have I provided him with the necessary tools so that, for example, at the age of 20, if someone says something unkind to him, he can give the best response and reaction to that situation with the best result for himself and those around him?

What is the role of calming and regulating the parent's own emotions? Why does the book emphasize this point and what can be done when the parent himself is tired and nervous?

I am not wrong if I say that the emotional regulation of the parent/caregiver is one of the most important components of the whole approach of cooperative regulation of emotions.

In Small But Loud, Collaborative Emotion Processing, or CEP, is not just a way of interacting with a child. Of its five components, only one is directly related to adult-child interaction, and four components focus on the adult himself. That is, before trying to adjust the child, we should adjust ourselves as much as possible.

When a child is having a tantrum or having an emotional meltdown (which are different), if the parent's brain goes into "survival" mode, the likelihood of seeing the child's behavior as a threat and reacting increases. Pause and emotional regulation help to see the child's behavior as an opportunity for communication instead of an immediate reaction.

But unlike many books and methods that always point the finger of blame at the parent/caregiver, "Little But Loud" is realistic and does not expect the "calm parent all the time." It even explicitly says that the parent may have yelled, cried, or ignored the child out of exhaustion. The goal is not perfection; The goal is to train and get back on track.

How is effective demarcation possible without threats and punishment?

In this book, the distinction between boundary setting and mere threat is well clarified, and the boundary that the parent/caregiver sets must be clear and the child knows what will happen if he crosses it; But this is different from threats.

For example, "If you hit me, I'll be upset and I won't love you anymore." is a threat Or "If you hit, there's nothing to do with the park" is still a threat/punishment.

But boundary setting and boundary maintenance can be like this: "I won't let you hit me. "If you're angry, you can tell me, or we can stand here and calm down together."

I really like this interpretation of the book: the border is not supposed to be a wall; It is supposed to create an entry. That is, we don't just tell the child what is forbidden; We show what it can do.

In your opinion, which parts of the book are compatible with Iranian educational culture and which parts may face resistance?

The fact is that this approach to children's behavior is far from Iranian educational culture. And the reason is that not only in Iranian culture, but in all cultures, traditional methods focus on the appearance of behavior and not on the motivation of that behavior. Therefore, perhaps reducing punishment and threats as the main means of education is unfamiliar to many families, because the fear of punishment or accountability from the parent has always been and is one of the educational tools.

Another part that may be somewhat foreign to some of us is the acceptance of the principle that we do not need to immediately stop the child's so-called unpleasant feelings. It may be difficult for an Iranian parent to see their child upset, angry or disappointed, and we may tend to immediately say "don't cry", "nothing happened", "don't be so angry" or "come on, I'll fix it for you", which of course is out of love and affection. And this difference, in my opinion, does not mean that the book is incompatible with Iranian culture, but it is like a new opportunity to discover and try different methods that can lead to favorable results.

Are the methods mentioned in the book effective for children with special needs, such as hyperactivity or autism?

Parts of the book directly talk about children with different nervous systems. For example, it explains that some people, including people with ADHD, may have different dopamine functions, and sometimes activities that create dopamine can be a bridge for the child to use a regulatory strategy later. The point here is that each parent/caregiver can find and apply an answer that is effective for a child with special needs through the perspective of collaborative emotion processing.

The goal of CEP is not to change behavior through reinforcement; Its purpose is to support the development of emotional intelligence, a skill that is supposed to be useful throughout our lives, and this is the main difference between this approach and behavioral approaches.

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