Marital resilience: Let's not let inflation target our emotional intimacy

When the high cost and sadness of the family's livelihood makes the family table smaller and smaller every day, it takes a victim from "us" in the emotional relationship: one looks for the culprit, the other becomes defensive. But resilient couples know that the economic problem is a common enemy. This article shows how to practice marital resilience in economic and livelihood difficulties; Without denying hardship and without fighting each other.

Ambassador Arjan/ Life Literacy; Maryam Tarzi- When inflation and economic pressure, the high cost and sadness of living together, many couples unintentionally enter a pattern in which the "wife" becomes the "guilty".

Marital resilience in an economic crisis does not mean not having problems; It means the ability to separate the "problem" from the "relationship".

While financial conflicts are more persistent than other conflicts and tend to be more unresolved, couples who practice the "us versus the problem" skill do not experience an increase in hostile behavior, even under severe financial stress.

This article explains the psychological mechanisms of this skill by citing scientific sources and provides a specific practical exercise.

Why are financial and livelihood conflicts different from any other dispute?

Money is not the only topic we discuss; Money is an enabler of values, security, identity and trust.

When a couple discusses whether to spend or save, they are actually discussing fundamental attitudes toward risk, the future, and pleasure.

For this reason, Guttman Institute research shows that financial conflicts are more persistent than other marital conflicts: they are more likely to not be resolved after a conversation, they are more likely to trigger "humiliation," and they are more likely to recur.

Accordingly, financial pressure has been the strongest predictor of divorce in the early years of marriage; Stronger than communication patterns, sexual satisfaction or family conflict.

This trait has an important message for marital resilience: If we approach financial conflict like any other dispute with "talk more until it's resolved," it often backfires. Because here the discussion is not about a behavior, it is about identity and security. For this reason, before any financial solution, one must know the mechanism that turns economic pressure into relationship tension.

When financial pressure comes to the relationship

Lack of money, where couples remain in providing their basic needs, where bills pile up, children's needs remain unanswered, and the table is constantly discolored, reduces the so-called cognitive bandwidth.

A person under financial pressure has less mental capacity for empathy, flexible conflict management and emotional regulation.

This is not a "moral failure"; A well-documented effect of stress is on cognitive function.

The result is that even healthy couples become more irritable under economic pressure, withdraw more, and their relationship satisfaction decreases.

From irritability to blame

If you look at each other these days and each of you thinks the other is to blame, know that you are not alone and this feeling is not a sign of a bad relationship or weakness.

Economic pressure makes a person tired, irritable and irritable; For this reason, many couples in such situations jump to each other sooner than usual, raise their voices and say things that they later regret saying.

When financial pressure becomes severe, hostile, degrading, and angry behaviors increase in many couples.

But the hopeful thing is that this fate is not certain.

Couples who see the problem outside the relationship and see it as their common enemy, not each other's, do not increase their hostile behavior even under severe economic pressure.

On the other hand, couples who are less skilled at standing together and solving problems together suffer the most.

That is, marital resilience is not an inherent characteristic or luck; It is a skill that can be learned and practiced.

You can learn to say instead of "You caused this situation," "This situation is exhausting us; Let's see what we can do together."

When the fatigue of livelihood takes the heat of the relationship

Livelihood pressure doesn't show itself only with fights and arguments over money.

Many times, the coldness of the relationship is a silent sign of the pressure that couples do not talk about.

When the mind of one of the couple is busy day and night with installments, rent, food prices and fear of tomorrow, the mental capacity for closeness, expressing affection and even paying attention to the other party's emotional needs is greatly reduced. The result is that two people live in the same house, but each is stuck in their own world of worries.

According to a survey by the American Psychological Association, nearly half of couples who face financial stressors report that the strain has damaged the intimacy of their relationship.

This economic pressure can reduce sexual desire in men and women, and even in some cases, lead to rejection of the emotional and sexual offers of the other party. In such a situation, the coldness of the relationship does not necessarily mean the end of love; It is often a sign that minds are over-tired and over-saturated, and the remaining emotional energy is spent on survival and crisis management.

For this reason, marital resilience in this situation should focus first of all on restoring the lost warmth, not on pressure for closeness. You should reduce the mental load of the other party and create safe and non-judgmental spaces. At the same time, it should be accepted that livelihood fatigue reduces emotional desire and tension.

Let's calm down first, then look for a solution

One of the most difficult moments in financial stress is when your spouse complains about being expensive and tired, and you think it is your duty to provide an immediate solution.

For example, you say: "We have to reduce expenses" or "It can't be done that way, we have to think." But in that moment, he often doesn't want a solution; He wants his feelings to be seen and confirmed.

If a practical solution is offered before the excitement subsides, you may come across as "explaining the problem" or even "blaming" rather than helping, adding to the pressure.

In financial pressure, emotional companionship has a protective effect before a practical solution.

That is, first the emotion behind the words must be identified and confirmed: "I understand that this situation makes you tired and anxious" or "You have the right to be upset about this situation."

When this emotional security is built and the other party is calmer, then we can talk about budget, debt or practical decisions.

This does not mean denying the problem; It means to first ride the relationship out of the storm, then move towards solving the problem together.

Practical exercise: "A 15-minute appointment with feelings, not numbers"