New Etiquette: How to Deal with Narcissistic People?
The spread of new communication tools has given rise to a phenomenon known as 'verbal narcissism,' which challenges the quality of interpersonal communication by replacing real interactions with individual monologues.
In the era of the dominance of messaging networks and the reduction of simultaneous interactions, the classic structure of conversation has undergone a fundamental transformation and behaviors such as frequent interruptions, one-sided emotional discharge, and verbal monopoly have taken the place of a balanced exchange of ideas.
According to Ferraro's report, quoted by the Guardian, verbal communication in the basic definitions of social sciences is an interactive, rotating and interaction-based phenomenon; A process in which the parties are alternately in the position of sender and receiver of the message and create meaning in a common context.
However, behavioral observations and contemporary social surveys show that daily interactions are increasingly directed towards monopolistic verbal behaviors, ignoring the boundaries of the audience's attention, and dominating the desire to be heard over the ability to listen. Finding the roots of this development shows that modern communication technologies have disturbed the traditional patterns of verbal exchange and have become the basis for stabilizing asymmetric patterns in human relations.
Theoretical origins of "verbal narcissism" and the effects of technology
The sociological concept of conversational mastery was first formulated in the late 1970s under the title of "verbal narcissism". This theory explains how subjects in the context of communication, by adopting various verbal tactics, try to direct the focus of public attention exclusively towards their personal concerns, experiences or emotions. While in the past decades this phenomenon was mainly studied in the form of a single personality trait, nowadays it has become a structural complication in the communication culture.
Psychotherapists and communication researchers believe that the transition from simultaneous telephone or face-to-face conversations to the exchange of recorded audio files and text messages in instant messengers has made a significant contribution to intensifying this process. Voicemailing, in effect, creates a series of monologues in succession.
A context in which the speaker gets used to speaking freely without facing immediate feedback cues from the audience (such as body language, tone changes, or the tendency to intervene). Repetition of this pattern gradually erodes the skill of understanding structural silences, timely stops and creating breathing space for the listener in real and live interactions.
From the perspective of communication skills theorists, the nature of today's online communication is often transactional, fragmented, and focused on short-term goals. The fundamental consequence of this situation is the decline of people's cognitive capacity to participate in exploratory and deep conversations; Conversations in which the parties discover unknown dimensions of each other without a predetermined agenda.
Behavioral analyzes show that verbal exclusivity appears in five structured behavioral patterns. Knowing the theoretical characteristics of these patterns provides a theoretical and practical basis for analyzing and managing dialogue dynamics.
1. consecutive monologue; The sender dominates the entire message process
The first pattern is characterized by the absolute temporal dominance of a subject on the dialogue scene. In this structure, the sender of the message does not recognize the boundary between the personal interests and the mental horizon of the audience and proposes topics whose meaning and appeal are limited only to his own living circle.
The psychological function of this behavior usually has the aspect of emotional discharge, but its direct consequence on the receiver is the feeling of rejection, passivity and mental erosion. From the perspective of cognitive psychology, intervention in this situation is done through the technique of "timing".
In this approach, the audience consciously allocates a limited and specific time window to fully focus on the input data and temporarily suspends the request to receive the turn. Satisfying the subject's basic psychological need to be heard reduces his verbal impulsivity.
After the end of this interval, the reorientation of the conversation is done by redefining the concepts raised to a two-way topic and redistributing the responsibility of the conversation to avoid turning the interaction into a one-way hearing.
2. Traumatic discharge; Distortion of psychological boundaries
The second pattern includes excessive, disproportionate and unfiltered disclosure of sufferings, traumas and identity crises. A phenomenon that is analyzed in specialized terms as "traumatic evacuation". In this model, the subject ignores the fundamental principles of psychological privacy and emotional acceptance capacity of the listener and exposes the audience to personally stressful details without tacit consent or prior knowledge.
In the face of this structural damage, therapeutic frameworks emphasize the "active rearrangement of relationship boundaries." When a human interaction devolves into becoming a one-way reservoir for the release of emotional tensions, the behavioral solution lies in redefining the function of the relationship.
This requires separating the emotional commitment from the unwanted therapeutic role; In the sense that the interaction should be directed in the direction that positive experiences, constructive events and mutual growth processes also have a chance to emerge and the relationship is saved from becoming one-dimensional around crises.
3. instrumental questioning or boomerang; Tactical use of turn taking
The third pattern is focused on a language trick, during which the person asks a question not with the aim of evaluating the situation of the audience, but as a fake introduction to smooth the path of his personal opinion. This behavioral mechanism has a boomerang-like rebound action that mixes the pretense of interaction with self-centeredness. In the literature of behavioral sciences, this process is categorized into three main branches:
Pretentious Questioning: Asking Questions as a Platform for Narrating Personal Achievements.
Complaint-oriented questioning: following up on the situation of the audience simply to create an opportunity for a detailed plan of grievances and complaints.
Theoretical questioning: Pretending to be interested in the other person's point of view while just waiting for the other person to stop talking and impose your own point of view.
Empirical research about this pattern has revealed that the solution to curb it is the technique of "reflective or mirror questions". In this way, by providing a short and vague answer, the audience avoids wasting mental energy to expand the answer that had no listener from the beginning and immediately returns the question to the questioner.
This action, while restoring the sense of control, prevents the erosion of meaning in the exchange of messages.
4. Continuous interruption of speech; Verbal aggression and disruption of dynamic balance
Sequential disruption of the speech sequence is a linguistic intervention in which the listener takes control of the direction of the conversation out of the speaker's hands by entering untimely. Although this behavior sometimes originates from excessive enthusiasm or obsession in directing the discussion towards practical solutions, it actually has destructive psychological consequences such as devaluing the speaker's narrative and imposing an authoritarian structure on the dialogue.
The standard communication approach in dealing with this situation varies depending on the context of the interaction. In group settings, the behavioral principle of "collective support" requires third parties to step in and stabilize the space for the initial person to finish speaking. In two-way communication, it is necessary to intervene in a clear, calm and decisive manner, remembering that the narrative frame is not finished, so that the flow of speech returns to the previous interactive path.
5. Normative rhetoric and extreme obligationism; Occupying the highest moral position
The fifth pattern is formed when a person turns normal and everyday interactions into a platform for macro moral sermons, retelling fundamental environmental crises or global public interest concerns. The characteristic feature of this method is the refusal to accept social style talk and establishing a superior position in terms of values and civility, which links any simple conversation with the burden of guilt or indifference to the sufferings of the world.
Analyzes of cognitive communication show that confrontation with this cognitive structure is usually ineffective; Because its psychological foundations are deeply rooted in a person's sense of duty. The appropriate response in this situation is to accept the value of the concern presented in the form of brief empathetic feedback and firmly but gently guide the subject to more concrete horizons.
An approach that, while neutralizing the rhetorical atmosphere, prevents the conversation from entering the vortex of corrosive advice.
Restoring balance in modern biocommunication
Finally, the continuation of mental health in contemporary society and maintaining the quality of human bonds requires a review of language habits and conscious demarcations. The transformation of dialogue into a tool to satisfy self-centered needs is a sign of the deterioration of collective communication structures. Recreating balanced dialogues requires acceptance of the fundamental fact that being in the dialogue field is more than the right to speak, it is the responsibility to listen and maintain another's verbal position.