The Best Way to Respond to Passive-Aggressive Comments

Be more direct and less intense than they are.

Have you ever left work at 5 p.m., only to have a co-worker not-so-sweetly ask, "Are you going home now?"

If so, you've probably been the target of a passive-aggressive comment. "The two halves of the phrase 'passive-aggressive' express a familiar dynamic," says Lori Weingart, a professor of organizational behavior at Carnegie Mellon University who has studied how people express conflict in the workplace. Someone expresses disapproval or anger—the aggressive part—but does so indirectly. Words give way to an innocent interpretation. tone? not so much

This ambiguity puts you in an awkward position: do you respond to what was said or what you think the other person meant, or do you resign yourself to going straight back? We asked the experts what to say when someone seems to question you, but doesn't quite say what they mean.

Why do people assume passive-aggressive communication?

Sometimes hinting at a feeling feels safer than saying it directly. Admitting that you feel a certain way requires a kind of vulnerability that ironic words lack. "Some people haven't learned how to say or don't feel comfortable saying, 'I'm hurt,'" says Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York City. You hurt my feelings." If you've grown up around people who rarely say what they mean, the indirect approach may even seem normal.

There could also be something more specific behind the partner's pointed comment. In researching romantic relationships, Levi R. Baker, associate professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, found that people sometimes express their unhappiness indirectly because they're not sure how much their partner cares. "People really do it to test their partner," she says. They signal to you, "I'm upset with you, I'm a little hurt," then they wait to see if their partner notices and tries to figure out what's wrong. Beneath it all, Baker says, they may be asking themselves, "Do they care about me? Do they value me?"

However, understanding where a comment may have come from does not make it any better to hear. It can make you wonder if you've been insulted—and how you might respond to an accusation the other person didn't quite make.

How to respond to a passive-aggressive comment

Weingart's advice is to make your response "more direct and less intense" than the comment you just heard. Start by giving your friend a direct opportunity. If someone says, “It must be nice to have that much free time,” Brooke McKenzie, a licensed chemical dependency counselor in Dallas who often helps families work through indirect communication and resentment, suggests responding, “I'm not sure what you meant. Another option: "It sounds like there might be something you want to tell me directly. Is there?"

The question should be an invitation, not an accusation. "Why are you so passive-aggressive?" It might be tempting, McKenzie says, but you'll probably end up arguing about their tone rather than anything that's really bothering them. Returning the sarcasm creates the same problem, two people get offended instead of one.

If you're talking to someone you're particularly close to, Gluck suggests speaking softly: “I feel like something's off. Do you want to talk about it?” This allows them to tell you what is wrong without having to guess. If they say everything is fine, you can take their word for it for now. "Our job is not to become emotional detectives," says Gluck.

If you have a good idea of ​​what's under the comment, you can acknowledge that as well. Say your partner responds to your plans with friends and says that you definitely have time for other people. Baker reassures them that you want to spend time together and suggests a plan: "I'm going out tonight, but I'd really like to have dinner with you tomorrow." You don't have to cancel your plans to show you care.

At work, clarity may serve you better than talking about feelings. If your boss says, "You quit now?" When you're done for the day, Weingart suggests asking, "Is there anything else I can do before I go?" A co-worker's jab might be even less reassuring: "Yes, the workday is over. Have a great weekend." Each of these responses avoids the assumption that you know what the other person means.

And sometimes the best answer is no answer. If a friend makes an unusual comment on a difficult day, you can let it pass, says Gluck. If it keeps happening, that's a different conversation.

What to do when someone is repeatedly passive-aggressive?

A model deserves a more direct approach. If a friend repeatedly jokes that you never make time for them, Gluck suggests mentioning both what you noticed and how: "It's not the first time you've made that comment. It's starting to hurt my feelings, and I want to know if something bothers you."

The same pattern can appear in families. Say you tell your mom that it bothers you when she criticizes you in front of relatives, and she replies, "I guess I'm just a bad mom." Gluck suggests saying, "That's not what I said. I was trying to tell you how I feel, and it hurts when you put those words in my mouth." This will bring the conversation back to what she said in front of your relatives instead of turning it into a discussion about whether or not she is a good mother.

What if they insist they were just joking? "Maybe you didn't mean it to be offensive, but I thought it was," Weingart advises. You don't have to prove what was going on in their head to explain what happened on your end.

It's also fair to be clear about what you want to do next. Borrow McKenzie's front line for repeated comments: "I'm willing to have tough conversations with you. I'm not willing to keep second guessing what you mean."