Comparing Married Life Online: Why Do Others' Lives Look More Beautiful Through a Phone Screen?

Other people's lives always look more beautiful on social networks. New research suggests that this silent comparison wears down marital satisfaction more than major arguments do. But why does our mind unconsciously measure our own life against an incomplete image of others' lives?

Once upon a time, the comparison of married life was limited to family, neighbors and colleagues. But now the cell phone has connected us to an endless tableau of other people's lives—lives made to be seen, not lived.

How deceptive the appearance of a marital relationship can be on the outside; Is it justified to compare it with your married life?

Research shows that intensive use of social networks is associated with a 15% decrease in marital satisfaction and an increase in the divorce process.

This statistic is a dry number behind which thousands of real relationships stand.

When the scene changes everything

Irving Goffman, a Canadian sociologist, proposed a theory many years ago that is more applicable today than ever: we act in social life like actors on a stage. Goffman said that each person has two "selves": one is the front stage self that we present to the audience, and the other is the backstage self that is who we are in solitude and indecency.

In social networks, the front stage has reached its peak. Couples share photos of trips and gifts and romantic dinners, but no one posts a video of a fight over dinner or the heavy silence afterward.

Researches show that social networks intensify the upward comparison by showing the "front stage of marital harmony".

That is, our mind automatically compares our own life to an image that is incomplete—not in the sense that it is false, but in the sense that it represents only a fragment of reality.

The problem is that our minds are not fair in comparison. When we see a photo of a smiling couple, we don't see their backstage.

We only see the smile. And then we compare our own smile that we saw in the mirror that morning. This unfair comparison puts the first crack on the relationship wall.

Why is this comparison not just a "bad feeling"?

You might say, "Well, one compares, but so what?" The answer is that comparison is not just a fleeting feeling.

It is a psychological mechanism that slowly and continuously drains the wall of the relationship like rainwater.

There are three specific pathways through which comparison reduces marital satisfaction:

The first path: when the sense of "self" weakens

When we constantly measure our lives against others, instead of looking at the relationship from the inside, we ask, “What does this relationship mean to me? What is important to me in it?" Looking at it from the outside, "Is my relationship as good as theirs?"

This change of perspective transforms the relationship from a personal experience to a competition. And competition always has winners and losers.

The second path: when the phone takes the place of looking at the spouse

The phenomenon that researchers have called technoference, or "technological intervention," is exactly that: the moment the phone rings and your partner's gaze shifts from your eyes to the small screen.

Every time the phone steals attention from the wife, a small message is sent to her: "What's on my phone is more important than you right now."

Women who experience more technoference in their relationship report more conflict over technology use, lower marital satisfaction, and more depression.

A woman who longingly observes the married life of others from behind the phone and falls into the trap of comparing the married life of others with her own.

The third path: digital jealousy and electronic surveillance

Constant comparison sows the seed of jealousy in the mind. And digital jealousy has given rise to a new form of surveillance: checking your wife's messages, seeing her friends list, tracking her likes.

The bitter point of the matter is that this monitoring wears out the relationship from both sides.

A person who monitors is in constant anxiety. A person being monitored feels mistrusted and suffocated. And in the meantime, trust, which is the backbone of any relationship, slowly breaks down.

Sociological view: Why is this comparison so widespread?

Psychology explains how comparison works. But sociology explains why this phenomenon has become so common in our time.

From "marriage as an institution" to "marriage as a personal project"

Sociologists have long explored the difference between two types of marriage: marriage as a social institution (where the goal is to raise a family and fulfill certain roles) and marriage as a personal project (where the goal is individual self-fulfillment and happiness).

In previous generations, the measure of success of a marriage was external and clear: having children, making a living, maintaining the family's reputation.

But in recent decades, the measure of success has become an internal feeling: “Am I happy in this relationship? Is this relationship bringing out the best version of me?"

This change, on the one hand, is liberating, but on the other hand, it exposes the relationship to endless comparison. Because when the measure is "happiness", there is always someone who seems to be happier.

Social exchange theory: when the relationship is seen as a transaction

Social exchange theory says that people in relationships unconsciously weigh costs and rewards: “What am I giving to this relationship? What do I get out of it? Is it worth it?”

This theory is not bad in itself. But when social media comes in, a dangerous standard of comparison is added.

We no longer only measure the cost and reward of our relationship; We compare it to what others are displaying.

And because others only display the rewards and not the costs, our mental scales always weigh against our own relationship.